Just Jack!!!

I don't know why I have Will and Grace stuck in my head but I do and that is why its my title, even though it had nothing to do with what I'm about to write about, so here it goes...

I don't know if I'm the only person who wants this, but I'm sure I'm not. Right now, I really wish I had someone here to hold me and love me and make me feel good. I know that I have a "boyfriend", if you even want to call it that right now but I don't get any of those things from him. Its very, very rare that he even says anything nice to me, like a compliment! Lets start from the beginning...

When we first got together, over two years ago... he would always blow me off and drink too much and disappear for a couple days at a time, which was not happening for me so eventually that stopped. But it took a while and I should have looked ahead when it didn't stop for about a year! (By the way, I feel really terrible writing this.) We also got into really big, bad, scream at each other fights for a while too.

I blocked out most of the beginning of our relationship. I do have some good memories of us just laying down, laughing and taking pictures. We would just say stupid things and crack up.

We never really went out places... Hanging out with his friends was never fun because one of them was my ex who I left for my boyfriend, and his new gf who he cheated on me with was always there. Sounds like a blasty blast right? Eventually after one night of my bf almost dying of alchol poisening... we started to stop hang out with them. They would always try and get us to fight also, to break us up. Not good.

Then as far as I can remember I would always be frustrated because he never wanted to go out or really do anything besides sit around. Also he wasn't and still isn't affectionate in any way shape or form. I'd always, and still do, blame myself for that, which I know isn't a good thing to do since he's probably just not a touchy feely, tell you nice things, kinda guy. :/ Great right... Well the problem with him never showing affection is that I became insecure with how he felt about me and my body especially.

Oh I forgot. I've always had an issue trusting him because of this shadyness in the beginning and I also found pics of naked girls on his computer along with some other crap he said he wouldn't have. He also didn't have a good rep with being faithful to anyone.

So I don't know where to go from here. I've told him that I need to feel loved and cared about and have told him exactly what I need him to do... like touch me, maybe compliment me once in a while... told him everything he could do and he hasn't put forth much of an effort to try any of these things. Another thing that keeps me from just sayin peace out is that he's not MEAN to me he just doesn't give me what I need in a relationship.

I've been there for him through some of the hardest times of his life, wont go into detail, not my details to share, and I know that I've really opened up the world of being and feeling loved to him, which he never had seen before me. I feel like I've impacted his life in a huge way, again, no details! Its just so hard to say that I'm done. I know I can't deal with the stress that this relationship causes me but I don't know if I can deal with the pain of letting go because he needs me. I feel as though I'm all he has... cause I pretty much am. I probably missed a ton of shit but I'm not up for getting into all that crap now.