Since the weather got so shitty so fast, I didn't get to spend a lot of the time at the gym. I hate driving in terrible weather and tonights weather is very terrible. I could hardly see down the block I was driving on! I almost busted my shit too, on the slippery sidewalks!!
Anyways... I'm feeling very restless. I cleaned my room and feel like I need something to do. My mind is calm and thinking about pleasant thoughts but my body has lots of un-used energy. Its probably because I stayed home today and didn't get to work out at the gym. I'm used to going almost everyday now and it does make me feel better in general. I feel like I have more engery and my body doesn't get as worn out or tired as it used to. I'm definately not losing weight but I'll take being and feeling healthy over being thin for now. Its amazing what excercize can do for a person. The only bad thing about it for me is the knee pain... Stupid knee. I hurt it freshman year learning how to slide in softball and its never been the same. It was entirely my fault too. We were practicing in the gym and I had missed practice the day before because I had gotten sick at school and that was the day we learned how to slide. So the next day, everyones practicing, its my turn, running past first... past second... rounding third, go down for the slide into home and then this awful skreeching sound, my bare knee/shit on the rubbery gym floor! Ouch! Well I didn't get very far because my knee cap caught the ground, since it was rubber against my skin, and it stopped and my body continued and I flew over myself. To top it off, my coach, who I told I was alergic to neosporin, puts a huge glob of it on. I saw the texture and color of it and asked her what it was, just in case, and she goes "Neo-SHIT" and grabs the peroxide and dumps that on top of it. That shit BURNS!
Theres my stupid knee issue story. Had no idea I was going to share this with everyone but hey, its pretty funny!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
New Job thing
I started selling Avon this Monday and so far it is going really well for me. I'm not looking to make a fortune but I am looking to have some extra money to save up for when I need something. If you are interested email me at ebarbahen@yahoo.com. Thats all about that...
I think I'm going to end my gym streak tonight but I really need to go. I think I've been pretty consistant during the week. If I could get myself to go on the weekends, I'd be set! I have prom in May and want to be able to wear an awesome dress without worrying about roll and being flabby. Unfortunately, the first thing that goes when I work out is... my boobs, and I do NOT have enough to sacrifice. I can always buy I a pair! Haha I guess that I'd rather have a nice body and no boobs than be narsty with big girls... Actually I'm not quite sure! ha
I started my new classes on Tuesday and I'm not sure whether or not I like them yet. I have sculpture, which I know I will love because art is my favorite. Then I have spanish 4, there is a lot of work to do but my teacher is fantastic. She's the sweetest person and is very funny. I've never enjoyed a Spanish class until Tuesday. haha. Then I have english... DRAG... and desktop publishing. The teacher is a viscious woman but I need the class because I want to look into marketing and need to know how to use all of those programs. I took digital design which was awesome. That had a lot of art elements in it so I did good, got an A! I think ultimately I would love to be the person who makes up the commercials or ads in magazines. I like to use my creativity and I would like to be the one whos work is show across the nation. Who knows what I'll end up doing. As long as it something I enjoy I will be fine.
I think I'm going to end my gym streak tonight but I really need to go. I think I've been pretty consistant during the week. If I could get myself to go on the weekends, I'd be set! I have prom in May and want to be able to wear an awesome dress without worrying about roll and being flabby. Unfortunately, the first thing that goes when I work out is... my boobs, and I do NOT have enough to sacrifice. I can always buy I a pair! Haha I guess that I'd rather have a nice body and no boobs than be narsty with big girls... Actually I'm not quite sure! ha
I started my new classes on Tuesday and I'm not sure whether or not I like them yet. I have sculpture, which I know I will love because art is my favorite. Then I have spanish 4, there is a lot of work to do but my teacher is fantastic. She's the sweetest person and is very funny. I've never enjoyed a Spanish class until Tuesday. haha. Then I have english... DRAG... and desktop publishing. The teacher is a viscious woman but I need the class because I want to look into marketing and need to know how to use all of those programs. I took digital design which was awesome. That had a lot of art elements in it so I did good, got an A! I think ultimately I would love to be the person who makes up the commercials or ads in magazines. I like to use my creativity and I would like to be the one whos work is show across the nation. Who knows what I'll end up doing. As long as it something I enjoy I will be fine.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Sweaty pants!
I'm very proud of myself because I've been going to the gym whenever I get a change lately and I feel really good. Well my knee is fucked up and hurts everyday but hey, the rest of me feels pretty damn good! When I go I like to get on the tredmill for 30min to an hour. I do NOT RUN!! I hate running. Instead I put the incline up and burn off my fat ass! Its just as hard of a work out as running. I compared the mets and the level and all the crap you can compare with the chick running at 7.0 next to me and its the same. I have the incline at 9 and speed of 4.2... It really gets rid of the ugly stuff on the back of my thighs! Haha. I'm going to try and keep going as much as I can. I have a busy week this week, so I'll have to fit in my gym time!
Friday, January 11, 2008
Done!
I decided that I don't want to be the only person in my relationship anymore and broke up with the dead weight. I really sucks a lot because I told him and he just looks at me. He had no sign of saddness or anything on his face or in his eyes. His body language didn't even seem to change. I just makes it that much more painful when you want them to say no, don't leave me or do something to try and make it not happen and then nothing happens. I knew he wouldn't do anything, not even call, texted me once... its like he stabbed me in the back. I don't understand how you can just let someone you say you love go, as if you don't give a shit. I sucks so much. I feel like I've invested so much of myself, my time, love and engergy into someone who was never going to give it back in the first place. I'm very mad at myself because I've been unhappy with him for longer than I'm willing to admit. I've given him so many chances that have just been thrown back into my face. I feel like and am an idiot for ever believing that he was going to change how he treated me. And of course, like always in my relationships, I'm the one who gets shit on.
Zodiac signs!!
These are so much fun! See how much they fit you, and be honest with the bad parts!!
ARIES - The Aggressive
Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, and family is very important to an Aries. Aries are known for being generous and giving. Addictive. Loud. Always has the need to be "Right". Aries will argue to prove their point for hours and hours. Aries are some of the most wonderful people in the world.
TAURUS - The Tramp
Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight.
Fight for what they want. Can be annoying at times, but for the love of attention. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. They can be self centered and if they want something they will do anything to get it. They love to sleep and can be lazy. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth!
GEMINI - The Twin
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good at confusing people... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Gemini's will not take any crap from anyone. Gemini's like to tell people what they should do and get offended easily. They are great at losing things and are forgetful. Gemini's can be very sarcastic and childish at times, and are very nosey.
Trustworthy. Always happy. VERY Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE.
CANCER - The Beauty
MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. A Cancer's Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet in your life. Entirely creative Person, most's are artists and insane respectfully speaking. They perfected sex and do it often. Extremely random. An Ultimate Freak. Extremely funny and is usually the life of the party. Most cancers will take you under their wing and into their hearts where you will remain forever. Cancers make love with a passion beyond compare
Spontaneous. Not a Fighter, But will kick your ass good if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to!
LEO - The Lion
Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Usually happy, but when unhappy tend to be grouchy and childish. A Leo's problem becomes everyone's problem. Most Leos are very predictable and tend to be monotonous. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Very predictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found.
VIRGO - The One that Waits
Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. A pushover. Loves to gamble and take chances. Needs to have the last say in everything. They think they know everything and usually do. Respectful to others but you will quickly lose their respect if you do something untrustworthy towards them and never regain respect. The do not forgive and never forget the one and only.
LIBRA - The Lame One
Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However, not the kind of person you want to mess with... you might end up crying... Libras can cause as much havoc as they can prevent. faithful friends to the end. Can hold a grudge for years. Libras are someone you want on your side. Usually great at sports and are extreme sports fanatics. Kinda dumb at times.
SCORPIO - The Addict
EXTREMELY adorable. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Will try almost anything once. Loves to be pampered. Energetic. Predictable. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Loves to party but at times to the extreme. Loves the smell and feel of money and is good at making it but just as good at spending it! Very protective over loved ones. HARD workers. Can be a good friend but if disrespected by a friend, the friendship will end. Romantic. Caring.
SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One
Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. A loner most of the time. Loses patience easily and will not take crap. If in a bad mood stay FAR away. Gets offended easily and remembers the offense forever. Loves deeply but at times will not show it feels it is a sign of weakness. Has many fears but will not show it. VERY private person. Defends loved ones will all their abilities. Can be childish often. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in bed..!!! Not the kind of person you want to mess with- you might end up crying.
CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover
Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Grouchy at times and annoying to some. Lazy and love to take it easy. But when they find a job or something they like to do they put their all into it. Proud, understanding and sweet.
Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always
gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to win against other signs especially Gemini's in sports. Likes to cook but would rather go out to eat at good restaurants.
Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart.
AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water
Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind, loves being in
long-term relationships. Can be clumsy at times but tries hard. Will take on any project. Proud of themselves in whatever they do. Messy, and unorganized. Procrastinators. Great lovers, when their not sleeping. Extreme thinkers. Loves their pets usually more then their family. Can be VERY irritating to others when they try to explain or tell a story. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out.
PISCES - The Partner for Life
Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. Messy at times and irresponsible! Smart but lazy. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Passionate, wonderful lovers. Fun to be around. Too trusting at times and gets hurt easily. Lover of animals. VERY caring, make wonderful nurses or doctors. They always try to do the right thing sometimes get the short end of the stick. They sometimes get used by others and hurt because of their trusting. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. Good friend to other but need to be choosy on who they allow their friends to be.
Guess which one I am?!
ARIES - The Aggressive
Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, and family is very important to an Aries. Aries are known for being generous and giving. Addictive. Loud. Always has the need to be "Right". Aries will argue to prove their point for hours and hours. Aries are some of the most wonderful people in the world.
TAURUS - The Tramp
Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight.
Fight for what they want. Can be annoying at times, but for the love of attention. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. They can be self centered and if they want something they will do anything to get it. They love to sleep and can be lazy. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth!
GEMINI - The Twin
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good at confusing people... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Gemini's will not take any crap from anyone. Gemini's like to tell people what they should do and get offended easily. They are great at losing things and are forgetful. Gemini's can be very sarcastic and childish at times, and are very nosey.
Trustworthy. Always happy. VERY Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE.
CANCER - The Beauty
MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. A Cancer's Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet in your life. Entirely creative Person, most's are artists and insane respectfully speaking. They perfected sex and do it often. Extremely random. An Ultimate Freak. Extremely funny and is usually the life of the party. Most cancers will take you under their wing and into their hearts where you will remain forever. Cancers make love with a passion beyond compare
Spontaneous. Not a Fighter, But will kick your ass good if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to!
LEO - The Lion
Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Usually happy, but when unhappy tend to be grouchy and childish. A Leo's problem becomes everyone's problem. Most Leos are very predictable and tend to be monotonous. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Very predictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found.
VIRGO - The One that Waits
Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. A pushover. Loves to gamble and take chances. Needs to have the last say in everything. They think they know everything and usually do. Respectful to others but you will quickly lose their respect if you do something untrustworthy towards them and never regain respect. The do not forgive and never forget the one and only.
LIBRA - The Lame One
Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However, not the kind of person you want to mess with... you might end up crying... Libras can cause as much havoc as they can prevent. faithful friends to the end. Can hold a grudge for years. Libras are someone you want on your side. Usually great at sports and are extreme sports fanatics. Kinda dumb at times.
SCORPIO - The Addict
EXTREMELY adorable. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Will try almost anything once. Loves to be pampered. Energetic. Predictable. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Loves to party but at times to the extreme. Loves the smell and feel of money and is good at making it but just as good at spending it! Very protective over loved ones. HARD workers. Can be a good friend but if disrespected by a friend, the friendship will end. Romantic. Caring.
SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One
Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. A loner most of the time. Loses patience easily and will not take crap. If in a bad mood stay FAR away. Gets offended easily and remembers the offense forever. Loves deeply but at times will not show it feels it is a sign of weakness. Has many fears but will not show it. VERY private person. Defends loved ones will all their abilities. Can be childish often. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in bed..!!! Not the kind of person you want to mess with- you might end up crying.
CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover
Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Grouchy at times and annoying to some. Lazy and love to take it easy. But when they find a job or something they like to do they put their all into it. Proud, understanding and sweet.
Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always
gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to win against other signs especially Gemini's in sports. Likes to cook but would rather go out to eat at good restaurants.
Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart.
AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water
Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind, loves being in
long-term relationships. Can be clumsy at times but tries hard. Will take on any project. Proud of themselves in whatever they do. Messy, and unorganized. Procrastinators. Great lovers, when their not sleeping. Extreme thinkers. Loves their pets usually more then their family. Can be VERY irritating to others when they try to explain or tell a story. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out.
PISCES - The Partner for Life
Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. Messy at times and irresponsible! Smart but lazy. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Passionate, wonderful lovers. Fun to be around. Too trusting at times and gets hurt easily. Lover of animals. VERY caring, make wonderful nurses or doctors. They always try to do the right thing sometimes get the short end of the stick. They sometimes get used by others and hurt because of their trusting. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. Good friend to other but need to be choosy on who they allow their friends to be.
Guess which one I am?!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
McTv
If anyone watchs Grey's Anatomy you will get my title. I watch this religiously every Thursday night with my mom and its a fantastic show. Its one of those things you watch, and then afterwards you just think. It makes you think! They touch on subjects that just pull at your heart. Sometimes I wonder why I watch it since afterwards I always feel like a need a hug, but its just such an awesome show. Right now I'm very mad because McDreamy cheated on Meridith, with some skanky nurse Rose and she found out and now they are broken up. I'm thinking that this is the last time they will do the break up thing. Meridith, which I think I'm spelling wrong haha, can't trust McDreamy because they were screwing and then she found out he had a wife!!!! He gets all pissy because she doesn't trust him which is stupid because its his own damn fault! She does have some of her own trusting issues but if he loved her he'd NOT cheat on her and help her work through them. Since he's a man, that wont happen. :/
Being back in school officially sucks ass. My classes are boring and I don't feel like I'm benefitting, I'm really having trouble spelling today, from anything I'm being "taught". I do have finals next week and switch to the rest of my shitty classes I got drafted into for my last year! I will be having sculpture, should be sweet, ENGLISH, Spanish 4, and desktop publishing. I hate hate hate hate english classes. I also dislike spanish classes because there is SO MUCH homework, which I don't do anyways! I don't know what it is about homework, I just can't sit and do something that I don't enjoy doing. Don't worry I get good grades, because I'm that frreakkkkin awesome! I'm looking forward to making some kick ass shit in sculpture because I enjoy working with clay. I will put up pictures. OH!! My black and white painting of the building is being entered into a college art competition and I'm very excited to see if I get it in and if I place!!
Being back in school officially sucks ass. My classes are boring and I don't feel like I'm benefitting, I'm really having trouble spelling today, from anything I'm being "taught". I do have finals next week and switch to the rest of my shitty classes I got drafted into for my last year! I will be having sculpture, should be sweet, ENGLISH, Spanish 4, and desktop publishing. I hate hate hate hate english classes. I also dislike spanish classes because there is SO MUCH homework, which I don't do anyways! I don't know what it is about homework, I just can't sit and do something that I don't enjoy doing. Don't worry I get good grades, because I'm that frreakkkkin awesome! I'm looking forward to making some kick ass shit in sculpture because I enjoy working with clay. I will put up pictures. OH!! My black and white painting of the building is being entered into a college art competition and I'm very excited to see if I get it in and if I place!!
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Thinking about getting...
a new tattoo or getting something pierced!!! I do have a few ideas for both, I just havn't decided on anything yet. If I chose to get a piercing, I'd probably go for the belly button or maybe the nipples, teehee. I have had my belly button done twice before, but never gave it enough time to heal because, a friend did it and didn't put it in the right place. I do like the nipples piercings but I think it would hurt terribly and that I wouldn't be able to wear a bra to school for a while, which would be a problem, hence the white shirts! I have 9 holes in my ear so I'm not really looking to put more in there. I do like the industrial, in the ear, which is the metal bar thing. Since I'm still in school and have a job, I can't really get anything on my face done. The Marilyn Monroe thing is my favorite! I don't think that the nuns at school would like that very much though!
If I got a tattoo, I'd probably want to do it way low on my hip, closer to thigh/crotch rage so it wont stretch as much if I have a baby. I also like the idea of getting a couple flowers on the back of my shoulder. Maybe my zodiac symbol on the front of my shoulder. There are lots of places I like, and lots of tattoos that I want to get! I'm thinking I'm going to go for the tattoo! Now I need to choose brave soul to come with and bear the role of holding my hand through the whole thing. It probably wont be as bad as my first one. Actually, I know it wont be as bad as my first one because I got it in the most painful place!! I want to stick with the black and one, maybe two colors theme so that all the tattoos match. The other issue is saving up the money to go get another one! They are expensive!!! Hopefully I'll make up my mind soon and go get it!
If I got a tattoo, I'd probably want to do it way low on my hip, closer to thigh/crotch rage so it wont stretch as much if I have a baby. I also like the idea of getting a couple flowers on the back of my shoulder. Maybe my zodiac symbol on the front of my shoulder. There are lots of places I like, and lots of tattoos that I want to get! I'm thinking I'm going to go for the tattoo! Now I need to choose brave soul to come with and bear the role of holding my hand through the whole thing. It probably wont be as bad as my first one. Actually, I know it wont be as bad as my first one because I got it in the most painful place!! I want to stick with the black and one, maybe two colors theme so that all the tattoos match. The other issue is saving up the money to go get another one! They are expensive!!! Hopefully I'll make up my mind soon and go get it!
Saturday, January 5, 2008
I'm crabby.
I'm just really crabby today. The family I sit for called me and needs me tonight and I had dinner plans. I said I'd be there because I'd been ignoring their call yesturday, even though I was not home all day and I felt bad. They do pay well and the kids are pretty good but dinner would have been nice. They said 8:30, and if I'm out of there by then, then dinner may still be an option! Lets hope!!!
I bought guitar hero and its really addicting. Its super fun and I'm working on beating the game on level hard now, which is by the way, REALLY hard!! I would love to get rock band but not until I've mastered Ledgends of Rock!! Wooo!!!
I bought guitar hero and its really addicting. Its super fun and I'm working on beating the game on level hard now, which is by the way, REALLY hard!! I would love to get rock band but not until I've mastered Ledgends of Rock!! Wooo!!!
Friday, January 4, 2008
Just Jack!!!
I don't know why I have Will and Grace stuck in my head but I do and that is why its my title, even though it had nothing to do with what I'm about to write about, so here it goes...
I don't know if I'm the only person who wants this, but I'm sure I'm not. Right now, I really wish I had someone here to hold me and love me and make me feel good. I know that I have a "boyfriend", if you even want to call it that right now but I don't get any of those things from him. Its very, very rare that he even says anything nice to me, like a compliment! Lets start from the beginning...
When we first got together, over two years ago... he would always blow me off and drink too much and disappear for a couple days at a time, which was not happening for me so eventually that stopped. But it took a while and I should have looked ahead when it didn't stop for about a year! (By the way, I feel really terrible writing this.) We also got into really big, bad, scream at each other fights for a while too.
I blocked out most of the beginning of our relationship. I do have some good memories of us just laying down, laughing and taking pictures. We would just say stupid things and crack up.
We never really went out places... Hanging out with his friends was never fun because one of them was my ex who I left for my boyfriend, and his new gf who he cheated on me with was always there. Sounds like a blasty blast right? Eventually after one night of my bf almost dying of alchol poisening... we started to stop hang out with them. They would always try and get us to fight also, to break us up. Not good.
Then as far as I can remember I would always be frustrated because he never wanted to go out or really do anything besides sit around. Also he wasn't and still isn't affectionate in any way shape or form. I'd always, and still do, blame myself for that, which I know isn't a good thing to do since he's probably just not a touchy feely, tell you nice things, kinda guy. :/ Great right... Well the problem with him never showing affection is that I became insecure with how he felt about me and my body especially.
Oh I forgot. I've always had an issue trusting him because of this shadyness in the beginning and I also found pics of naked girls on his computer along with some other crap he said he wouldn't have. He also didn't have a good rep with being faithful to anyone.
So I don't know where to go from here. I've told him that I need to feel loved and cared about and have told him exactly what I need him to do... like touch me, maybe compliment me once in a while... told him everything he could do and he hasn't put forth much of an effort to try any of these things. Another thing that keeps me from just sayin peace out is that he's not MEAN to me he just doesn't give me what I need in a relationship.
I've been there for him through some of the hardest times of his life, wont go into detail, not my details to share, and I know that I've really opened up the world of being and feeling loved to him, which he never had seen before me. I feel like I've impacted his life in a huge way, again, no details! Its just so hard to say that I'm done. I know I can't deal with the stress that this relationship causes me but I don't know if I can deal with the pain of letting go because he needs me. I feel as though I'm all he has... cause I pretty much am. I probably missed a ton of shit but I'm not up for getting into all that crap now.
I don't know if I'm the only person who wants this, but I'm sure I'm not. Right now, I really wish I had someone here to hold me and love me and make me feel good. I know that I have a "boyfriend", if you even want to call it that right now but I don't get any of those things from him. Its very, very rare that he even says anything nice to me, like a compliment! Lets start from the beginning...
When we first got together, over two years ago... he would always blow me off and drink too much and disappear for a couple days at a time, which was not happening for me so eventually that stopped. But it took a while and I should have looked ahead when it didn't stop for about a year! (By the way, I feel really terrible writing this.) We also got into really big, bad, scream at each other fights for a while too.
I blocked out most of the beginning of our relationship. I do have some good memories of us just laying down, laughing and taking pictures. We would just say stupid things and crack up.
We never really went out places... Hanging out with his friends was never fun because one of them was my ex who I left for my boyfriend, and his new gf who he cheated on me with was always there. Sounds like a blasty blast right? Eventually after one night of my bf almost dying of alchol poisening... we started to stop hang out with them. They would always try and get us to fight also, to break us up. Not good.
Then as far as I can remember I would always be frustrated because he never wanted to go out or really do anything besides sit around. Also he wasn't and still isn't affectionate in any way shape or form. I'd always, and still do, blame myself for that, which I know isn't a good thing to do since he's probably just not a touchy feely, tell you nice things, kinda guy. :/ Great right... Well the problem with him never showing affection is that I became insecure with how he felt about me and my body especially.
Oh I forgot. I've always had an issue trusting him because of this shadyness in the beginning and I also found pics of naked girls on his computer along with some other crap he said he wouldn't have. He also didn't have a good rep with being faithful to anyone.
So I don't know where to go from here. I've told him that I need to feel loved and cared about and have told him exactly what I need him to do... like touch me, maybe compliment me once in a while... told him everything he could do and he hasn't put forth much of an effort to try any of these things. Another thing that keeps me from just sayin peace out is that he's not MEAN to me he just doesn't give me what I need in a relationship.
I've been there for him through some of the hardest times of his life, wont go into detail, not my details to share, and I know that I've really opened up the world of being and feeling loved to him, which he never had seen before me. I feel like I've impacted his life in a huge way, again, no details! Its just so hard to say that I'm done. I know I can't deal with the stress that this relationship causes me but I don't know if I can deal with the pain of letting go because he needs me. I feel as though I'm all he has... cause I pretty much am. I probably missed a ton of shit but I'm not up for getting into all that crap now.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
After new years...
New years eve was an eventful night. I was having a blast until my retard ass boyfriend, left. I had told him that if he wanted to hang out downstairs, just to let me know and I wont care. So he goes downstairs, doesn't tell me!! and then when I call a million times, doesn't answer and ignores the call. I also had texted him a million times and recieved no response. I then proceded to call my house and tell my dad to have him call me, and then he doesn't. So I'm pretty pissed at this point and he comes back acting like nothings wrong. I told him that if he wanted to screw up my night, just to leave. He didn't attempt to make me feel better about the ignoring calls and just sat there saying jack shit!!!!! Then he leaves, while I'm crying outside.
At midnight, he texts me happy new years... wont answer my calls or texts still. I don't understand why he couldn't have told me like, oh sorry, I don't get signal downstairs or I didn't hear the phone, lets just have fun... or some shit like that. He just lets me fume with no intentions of making me feel better. I spent a good chunk of the new year being a big crying alcohol filled blob. No kiss or hug at midnight. Me and my boyfriend havn't been doing so well in the first place so on top of making me feel crappy all the time, my new years eve got shit all over too.
Before that bullshit, I was having a blasty blast. Rock band was brought over, which I freakin love!!!!!!! And we were all messin around having fun. After people started to go home, I already feeling like shit at this point, layed on the couch to further my shit feelingness. One of Don's friends was being nice and talking to me and I also had a texter keeping me company. Of course, not my boyfriend... cuz he sucks!!!!
In the morning, I felt LIKE SHITTTTT to the extreme! I dragged my ass to the bathroom and sat/layed in there until someone had to pee and then slept on the floor until I finally puked. It was the nastiest puke... thick and just sooo fucking nasty. I also had plans to go to my aunts house early afternoon. That was not looking good but I managed to suck it up and just sit on the couch and sleep in the car. My boyfriend came with us, ignoring what happened last night, of course... Now I don't know how to feel about it because both of us could have made it better. I could have no gotten pissed when he didn't attempt to fix anything, yea right, and maybe he could have not texted me at midnight!! That was the worst thing possible to do, couldn't even call. Fucking gay!
Anyways, hope everyones night was awesome!! Happy new year!!!
At midnight, he texts me happy new years... wont answer my calls or texts still. I don't understand why he couldn't have told me like, oh sorry, I don't get signal downstairs or I didn't hear the phone, lets just have fun... or some shit like that. He just lets me fume with no intentions of making me feel better. I spent a good chunk of the new year being a big crying alcohol filled blob. No kiss or hug at midnight. Me and my boyfriend havn't been doing so well in the first place so on top of making me feel crappy all the time, my new years eve got shit all over too.
Before that bullshit, I was having a blasty blast. Rock band was brought over, which I freakin love!!!!!!! And we were all messin around having fun. After people started to go home, I already feeling like shit at this point, layed on the couch to further my shit feelingness. One of Don's friends was being nice and talking to me and I also had a texter keeping me company. Of course, not my boyfriend... cuz he sucks!!!!
In the morning, I felt LIKE SHITTTTT to the extreme! I dragged my ass to the bathroom and sat/layed in there until someone had to pee and then slept on the floor until I finally puked. It was the nastiest puke... thick and just sooo fucking nasty. I also had plans to go to my aunts house early afternoon. That was not looking good but I managed to suck it up and just sit on the couch and sleep in the car. My boyfriend came with us, ignoring what happened last night, of course... Now I don't know how to feel about it because both of us could have made it better. I could have no gotten pissed when he didn't attempt to fix anything, yea right, and maybe he could have not texted me at midnight!! That was the worst thing possible to do, couldn't even call. Fucking gay!
Anyways, hope everyones night was awesome!! Happy new year!!!
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